Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize