Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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