I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
