you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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