I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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