apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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