great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
