Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize