Pregnant stripper...not hot.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
