I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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