Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
her vagine was all disorganized.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
