i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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