I want to have your abortion
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize