His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So much rum. So many feels.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
