I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
