Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
