halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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