when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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