This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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