You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
