It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm really busy with my period
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