I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
