they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
