There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
