Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
