don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
