he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
