But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
