It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
