Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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