Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
