Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
