Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize