Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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