I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
