dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
