i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
