You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
