I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
