sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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