she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
no you cant smoke seaweed
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
