So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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