The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
