I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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