we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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