alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
