Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
