Apparently you make a good broom.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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