somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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