Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
