we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
