Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
