i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
