dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
