Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
