i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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