Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
