I should be sponsored by Trojan
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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